Questionings...

I am currently fighting through sickness and sick insomnia. I am half-way better; no stomach pains, faint headache...but I feel I have to get out what's happened to me (us) lately. It's overflowing; so many things to say, so many things to think about. I guess explaining how I got here might help.

Stomach virus. I didn't know I had it until I woke up with a faint pain in my stomach. At my sister's house, I searched around in the refrigerator trying to find some Pepto. With luck, I did. Then I crawled into Elijah's ninja turtle-clothed bed with Wesley, and asked him to pray over me.

We had just come from hearing a sermon that you should expand your prayers. The preacher challenged that it was one thing to pray for the rent to be paid every month; it was quite another thing to pray for your own house. I understand what he meant; my preacher is not a prosperity preacher. He is modest and down to earth. I understood it all. And I needed to hear it. After praying for finances and receiving a ticket along with $500 removed from my savings due to a car wreck, my faith was almost nonexistant. I knew God wanted me to hear that.

Wesley prayed over me, laying hands on both my head and stomach. Nothing happened. I didn't exactly expect it to. I have been doubled over on the bathroom floor many times before, wretching from the cursed pms pain that comes every three to four months or so (some times painless, but every 3-4 months, excruciating...in cycles, it's odd) and He never removed it. In moments where I wanted to die, He didn't remove it. I have learned to accept it. I mean, if you look at it as the glass half full, He did, eventually but I fight against the pessimist inside of me.
(hmm...He healed me in about the amount of time it would take for my Aleve to kick in after I took it)
Anyway, I knew I probably wouldn't get better. I knew whatever it was would have to run its course, and there was nothing we or God could do about it. I say that quite lightly. But looking at Wesley's face...I mean, it was really just frustrating to me. He was so dissapointed. He hated seeing me in so much pain. I wanted to be healed for the sake of him. I spent the next fews hours in the bathroom, puking up everything I had and didn't have inside of me. I saw his faith die a little each time he saw my watery eyes come up from the toilet. And my heart broke.

We had planned a lot of things. I woke up New Years Eve, sick and weak. Wesley was going to play basketball with Jason and a bunch of the youth that day. He was so excited about it. We had planned to go to a costume party at the church that night to ring in the new year. The next night we were going to ride fourwheelers under the stars and over the land that Dusty grew up on, with all of my closest friends. It was going to be a truly perfect weekend. Instead, we left that day to travel back down to the coast and Wesley took me to the doctor. I had blood drawn, and an excruciating shot was placed in my hip that burned for minutes throughout my veins and has still left part of my hip numb. Then, I slept. I slept a lot. And he stayed by me. The whole time. I kept telling him he might want to get away, for fear of him getting sick. He looked me in the eyes, and he said, with ultimate assurance "I'm not gonna get sick baby."

But he did get sick. He's still sick. He's asleep, fetal-positioned, feet from me as I type this. He's miserable. We took him to the doctor, but after having his blood drawn, he went into shock. He's never been good with needles. He shook all over, and after recovering from that 20 minutes later, he was in no shape to take the shot that would help the nausea. So, because for whatever reason, God created him scared of needles, he could not get what would help him. There was nothing else to be done.

I laid hands on him several times today, in ultimate faith. I know he did the same for me. But we question. We question in times like these. And then I think further. I think deeper.

How do you explain to a child that God decided not to heal their mother who is dying of cancer? What if that child prayed every day for their mother, prayed until they couldn't breathe, asked God to take their life instead...but God didn't?

How do you tell a newlywed just days after the wedding that his wife was killed in a horrible car accident coming home from the store to pick up his favorite ice cream, just months after they had both accepted Christ?


The answer pastors like to give is that we are created to live in a fallen world. Therefore, this world is not a paradise. God doesn't enjoy watching you suffer. God didn't want it to be like this. But we give two conflicting messages.

We say God is all powerful, but then we say He cannot do anything to change things in this world. That He doesn't like it, but sometimes, He does nothing to change it. Aren't supernatural occurences all about breaking the laws of the natural? There are accounts of that in every faith that believes in God. So, why can't God do that?

Well, God does. There are those that go to the clinic with a diagnosis of 6 months to live. People lay hands on them, they are prayed over, they go back, and the diagnosis was wrong. So, is it about those whose prayers are the best? How do we explain different results from the same effect? If a pentecostal prayer group prays over a person with cancer and they are healed, and a person of the identical diagnosis are prayed over by a baptist church and they are not cured, does it become a denominational war? Is there one group that prays right, that prays better than the other? I've heard it that way sometimes.


All I know is in times when my fiance' looks me in the eyes in such utter confusion, and feels so completely helpess...when my fiance' throws himself upon that altar publicly for the first time in God knows when, and has a supernatural encounter with God, and steps up from that altar a changed person, fully confident of what God can do, even more than what he had been before...

when my fiance' looks at me as I writhe in pain after laying hands on me, after giving everything he has into a prayer for God to hear, and when I look at him, after praying several times in one day that he would be healed, that God would have mercy....and NOTHING happens...




Yes, I do question. I certainly do.