a normal blog.

Not so normal life...

I saw her today. Sunglasses propped on her head, strategic messy-pretty bun. It was my final test. I don't know why they were at Cracker Barrel. Possibly visiting someone in Jackson. Why come to Jackson after your wedding??? We locked eyes, but I don't think she knew me like I knew her. I thought of how she hurt him, and I got angry. But I also realized that she's got nothing on me. And that was my key to complete security in his past. She looks worn out, but not from good deeds. She looks worn out from indulging too much in herself. And I know that in my tiredest days, it will be because I'm pouring myself out for others. [this is not said to put myself on some god status] I can honestly say that was one of the weirdest days of my life. I felt like I was in a parallel universe. I've thought it over countless times on what I would say to her if I was ever face to face with her. And now that I actually was, I couldn't say anything. But then I realized I wouldn't have had I had the chance. Because it's not worth it. And I could literally jump 10 feet in excitement, just to know that it doesn't bother me anymore. God is my ultimate strength.

Wesley is inquiring about a basketball coaching position at a private school here. They need a girls' coach really badly for the junior high girls. He's set up for an interview on Thursday. I am extremely excited about this, because God has really been opening up that area as a ministry lately. He goes to Muse park every Sunday night and plays basketball for about three hours with whoever is there. It's not exactly the safest thing (last week he went and afterward the guys pulled out some weed and starting smoking) but he is really getting to not only improve his skill, but also build relationships with those he might otherwise not have had a relationship with if it had not been for basketball. Also, while he's been playing, God's been speaking to Him through the word and giving him messages to teach to kids through basketball. That was all happening before this opportunity came out of nowhere (someone actually approached him with it). So, it is clear that this is probably God's will. I don't want to be too hasty though. We know he will coach church league at Englewood when the season comes, but this is another opportunity that seems to have found its way into our lives. And it's completely blindsided both of us. Wesley told me today "Basketball has always been something I've really been passionate about, but I never thought I'd have a ministry out of it." God is full of surprises.

God is currently revealing in our lives that if we're going to have enough money for when we get married, we're going to have to rely on Him alone. Not on how hard we work. Not on how good we save. But on Him alone. Because we are way behind in our savings compared to our goal. And now, with him possibly taking this coaching job, it starts in a couple of weeks, they practice m, w, and f, and their games are on different days. So he's going to be seriously busy, and it doesn't pay a whole lot ($500 for the whole season, I think) and that is seriously scary. He won't have time to work like he's been, which equals less money. Scary.

I did my first Sunday in the nursery. It was so great! I loved it! Hallelujah station is a bit scarier. Wesley and I got our lesson plan for next week. I'm nervous, but excited. I hope the kids like us. They're a tough crowd. That's why I like the nursery. All you have to do is make silly faces and show them how something works, and they're your friend for life. But k-2nd is a bit different. We will be teaching 1st graders.

I look down on my finger sometimes, and I have to remember I'm engaged. I've been trying so hard to not think of it a lot, simply because thinking of it makes me want it more. And I hate that feeling of limbo, so I try to distract myself from it. But when I do remember it, it is overwhelmingly beautiful. It is a reflection of God's heart for me. And God loves me an oceanful.

And that's what I've been figuring out lately. That new season that I've been craving is finally here. Ben was right in what he talked about in chapel. This is still a season of singleness for me. And that's why I'm diving into ministry Women's Bible study and trying to find as many women to mentor me as possible (or as much as I have time for). I'm seeing a small glimpse of the woman I want so desperately to be. My emotions stay sort of level these days, a huge accomplishment from the usual. Every once in awhile they get psycho, and then that's followed by a cycle of psycho, but then I level out again. It's a slow, aching process, but it's a process nonetheless.