My room that I've lived in and out of for the past however many years is nearly empty, except for a few miscellaneous things scattered here and there that I chose until last minute to stuff into a box. It's surreal, really. I've moved back to college every year, but this is the first year that I know I won't be coming back again. That's bittersweet. No more momma's girl. I'm going to be a WIFE in almost nine months. It came so much sooner than I expected it to come. I had all kinds of plans growing up.
I visited a r.v. park one year, in North Carolina, in the moutains, and I vowed that when I turned 18, I'd move there to work, and create some new identity for myself. When the pressing knowledge of necessary college education came about, I too vowed I would be someone different. But all of my various attempts at recreating myself always fall apart. I say I'll be bold and make friends, but I stand on the outside. I say I'll be a little less awkward, but my skin still crawls slightly in crowds of societal strangers. I say I'll be less clumsy, but I end up tripping and falling on the sidewalk, or going to the wrong class my first day (true story). Then I think, if I'm so difficult to change, maybe I'm not so bad after all.
After freshman year, I said I would join a journeyman program and stay in a little hut in India. When it was the summer before my junior year, I ached to take a road trip to off the wall places and take a semester off, collecting the stories of others and working odd jobs as I went. Upon the start of Junior year, I said I'd move somewhere outside of gatlinburg and stay in my own apartment, with my own guard dog.
I've had a lot of almosts in my life. Those paths would have all led me down very different roads. But that road would have led me away from my future husband. And even if I would be tempted to go through the "cold feet" syndrome, looking into all of my what ifs and could haves, life has been so much better than the plans I tried to make for myself.
I think the most comforting thing is that I know the one I'm going to be with for the rest of my life would have been absolutely thrilled about taking part in any of those plans that I fantasized about. I think that's why this doesn't seem like such a smothering thing. Some ask me why I'm 21 and thinking about marriage, that I have my whole life ahead of me, and that I need some time to experience the world for myself. But I know that life apart from the one God prepared for me wouldn't be nearly as satisfying. I've never been one to say that I couldn't live without someone, but I know that if I did, I would be missing something so great.
Instead of thinking about what crazy things I'm going to do this semester and making unrealistic resolutions, I think about saving up to make a downpayment for a house, honeymoon, and stephanotis. I wonder how I'm going to balance 18 hours scholastically, 20-25 hour work weeks, and plan a wedding, all without gaining any weight. I scramble to find someone who will use their photographic talent as charity, and take amazing pictures while being offered very little (not due to bad manners on our part, but due to insufficient funds). The pressure to grow into these adult clothes becomes more apparent every day, and that's the scariest part of it all.
I don't like that soon I'm going to be reduced to an 8-5 work week. I can't stand that I'm going to actually want to go to bed at 8:00 every night. I despise that I'll have to dress up everyday for work, when I don't even own more than two good button-up shirts. My heart breaks that I'll have to know the time frame of a bruise according to its color. I'm a hippie at heart, and all I want to do is live in a commune with my closest friends.
But I am torn.
I would never be satisfied being a little kid all the time. Little kids are selfish and naive of the world. They're only concerned with what's going on in their universe, unaware of the heartache that exists outside of it. They don't know much about comforting one another, and they can't give someone a second chance at life. But I will be able to do that. My grownup job requires that I do.
All of this will bring utility bills, schedules, and debt. But it will also give me opportunities to shine light into others' lives. It will give me a life partner, one who will support me in everything I do. It will make me stronger than I could ever imagine.
And that is worth way more than playing with Barbies by myself.
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2 comments:
I saw this on Facebook before I saw it on blogger, so I already commented there. But I wanted to leave you a blog comment as well.
I think marriage, when done right, is the most beautiful thing that can happen for a man or a woman. Unfortunately, there are a lot of crappy marriages out there. It is tempting to want to hold on to your youth, because it seems like marriage is often the expiration of that, but really, marriage is such a beginning. And you're so right, when you have someone who wants to do everything with you that you would have done alone, it really makes life that much better. Not to go Jerry Maguire on you, but when you've found someone that completes you...there is no reason to hold on to what you had before, because why would you want to stay half of a person? I can't wait to get married, you and Renee have made it sound great these days. But seeing you guys, two of my closest friends, getting married also strikes a lot of fear in me, that I'd better be sure if I'm getting into something for life. I used to think it didn't matter who you married, that pretty much every man would end up the same in the end--old, fat, and boring. I see now that I was wrong, and that God designs some people for each other. And it doesn't matter what other people think of that union, because I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people who don't care about Christ and His bride, but that doesn't keep Christ from seeking her. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and I'm keeping your engagement in my prayers. Love you Ashley.
By the way, you need to make this site more personal, and give it your signature touch somehow. I would love to design a header for you, unless you like doing that sort of thing yourself. But I have a lot of free time on my hands and could make you something pretty if you want.
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