I get my feelings hurt entirely too much.
When I do, it feels like the worst thing in the world, as if my whole world is crumbling on top of me. I wouldn't call myself a drama queen; just someone whose universe falls apart when someone (either intentionally or unintentionally) leaves me out, is sarcastic or blatantly mean to me, or just forgets I exist.
I used to stand against the wall in junior high and just try to blend in, that way it would seem as if I wasn't actually being left out from the crowd. I would bring a book with me, and pretend that I didn't care at all if no one on the outside bothered. But I would read the same lines over and over again, and choke back the huge knot in my throat. Then I began to dress in a way that would either call attention to myself (attention that says: leave me ALONE) or just blend in, wear nothing special, and hopefully just become another face. I would wear my hair in my eyes, and a baggy windbreaker, no matter if it was hot or cold.
But this type of behavior starves me. It really does. I'm one that truly desires and wants to stand out in the crowd, someone who wants to be the one that everyone knows, or wants to just be included. I starve little by little. I hate being on the outside of a conversation and not being included at all, especially if the topic at hand leaves me with the desire to comment about it.
It's like when you want to say something really great in response to the topic at hand, and you wait patiently, so as not to be rude, and the topic just whizzes past. You really feel like you could truly contribute to the conversation, and offer an outlook that is worthy, but instead, you are just left with the words in your head, and the imaginary lines that you draw through each sentence, rewriting and revising. But all that work was for not a whole lot at all, but simply to practice your grammatical imaginary people skills that you will never be able to contribute.
I wish I couldn't cry at the drop of a hat. I wish that I would be the type of woman that was so powerful, that she only cried every once in awhile. Like a grandmother. She only cries when things really matter, and that causes everyone to pay attention to what caused her to cry. She contributes new meaning to the subject, and people develop a reverance for it simply because the one who never cries was moved by it.
But no, I cry at hallmark commercials.
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4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel about social situations. I normally just avoid being in places where i have to interact with more than 2 or 3 people at once because it just seems like any more people than that and everyone is just playing games for everyone else's attention.
i know how you feel, i was very much a wallflowerish person in high school, but i sort of hid out there because i was scared if i talked to people they wouldn't like me.
i'm sorry if i've left you out of anything lately. there were so many people around at the wedding and so many crazy thoughts in my head i didn't get to really hang out with you like i'd wanted. i was mainly freaking out. (you might understand when it gets closer to your big day.. but you might be totally calm. those sorts of huge life changes affect everyone differently. i was already high-strung before the event, iknew i'd be a little psycho)
but i don't want to be mrs. ego and think this post is about me, because it probably isn't, i was just wanting you to know that if i've ever made you feel sad like that, that i am sorry because i've felt that way too. and it sucks.
I know what you mean about wanting to add something to a conversation, but then the moment passing. I hate it when that happens, because I usually feel like I had something really important to say. But then, when I think about it, I realize that it's not a big deal because my main reason for wanting to say things in groups is because I want people to somehow be impressed by my knowledge, or something of that nature. For me, it's not so much about being noticed or being included, it's about wanting people to perceive me in a certain way. I like being told that I am artsy or intelligent or deep or thoughtful or whatever. But the times I am truly content with myself are the times I don't mind if I'm not contributing to a conversation or anything, because knowing what I think inside my own mind is enough. Those are the times I'm most secure in myself.
I personally think that your sensitivity is one of the reasons you make such a good social work major and that you're so amazing at active Christian ministry. You have a heart for those in Need, you have a desire to help them. If I have learned anything about your nature from just observing you, it's that you seek out those that others don't normally seek out--that's a beautiful trait, and that's part of your sensitivity. So, I'm glad you like being sensitive because I think your sensitivity is what makes you you, and what makes you the amazing person you are. I love you Ashley.
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