Tired insomnia.

Why is it that when I want (and need) sleep the most, it never comes? My mind (not so much my body, anymore) is weary from the 6 hour shift today, yet I can't seem to get myself to wind down to be relaxed. So, I down cold bottles of water--3 at a time-- and make a trip to the bathroom every five seconds. I sneak rice crispies from the cabinet (and scold myself later) and watch dateline specials about pedophiles and gang violence. I even resort to texting and leaving my boyfriend a voicemail, letting him know he can call me on his drive back home from closing, even though I know he probably won't call because he's the type that when he's tired, he crashes. Five seconds on the pillow, and he's out. And I wish I had some of that.

Instead, I have a tired headache and my eyes will be dry in the morning. It will be difficult to put my contacts in, and I'll accidently drop one on the floor. Then, I'll scrape the lens off and rid it of all the excess lint from the rug below, stick it in my eye, and nearly scream with pain, because I didn't get every fuzzy off from the artificial eyes.

It seems that in the school year, the nights where I need to pull an all nighter the most are the nights that I get the best sleep. You know, those in between studying naps that actually lead to all night naps with only two hours left to study for the test that you should have studied for for two weeks.

But nights like this, with nothing left to do but sleep, and nothing ahead but waking tomorrow at 6:55 to prepare for work... I cannot get my mind to stop talking. And I try not to talk back to it, but it's awfully persistent.

And I just realized how much I actually do miss my boyfriend. And that sucks. 5 days, come quick...and it makes me realize I haven't had a hug in about a week. And that's sad.

I guess the insomnia is my body's way of convincing me how important it is. I never really value sleep that much, unless it's used for procrastination. Isn't it funny that procrastination sleep is the BEST sleep? That and cold medicine sleep. They are both heavenly.

It's also always hot in my room. I don't get any of the air from the house. And if I turn my fan on the 2nd notch, the chain dangles and ticks against the fan, and I can't sleep. The 1st notch shakes the whole fan, so that's too noisy. The 3rd notch produces no noise, but doesn't cool the room very well. There's no comfortable medium. Any noise during sleep usually prevents me from going to sleep. I sleep best in a dungeon: cold, dark, and quiet. I also love soft sleep pants, and I can't sleep without a fluffy comforter over me. These both are almost impossible due to the heat, and so it leaves me shifting positions quite frequently. I don't like anything but sleep pants, and sleeping in shorts is uncomfortable (mostly because I get a wedgie during the night due to the shifting positions, and I wake up with it. Waking up with a wedgie is not fun.) Also, I have to leave my door open to even get any air flow going into the room. And I don't much like that, although I did realize it's starting to become habit-forming. The other night, I shut the door, and got freaked out, so I opened it back up. Something about the way the closing door made me feel. It's weird how some nights, my room is comforting, and other nights, it freaks me out. Some nights the shadows are innocent, and others, they are beastly villains ready to devour me as soon as I feel I'm safe. I think my imagination varies from night to night.

But I love my life, and I'm terribly blessed. I just wish I could sleep when I wanted to sleep.